Wednesday, December 19, 2012

back home

Back in New York for a week already. Will be here a month. It is already hard. Have considered heading back to Iowa--since I created in my apartment what felt like a safe space--a week or so earlier but (a.) plane ticket is nonrefundable and (b.) already bought unlimited metrocard.

Amongst other worries and obsessions, I'm worried and obsessed about gaining weight since I don't have a scale in Brooklyn or a gym membership. Back in Iowa I was working with a therapist and a dietitian on my disordered thinking (my therapist was considering whether I have/had binge eating disorder but its the toughest eating disorder to diagnose, so we don't exactly know but she suggested I continue with therapy next semester) and the eating habits I have, so being here is an opportunity to challenge myself and implement everything I've learned. But it is HARD and I'm already feeling defeated. It also doesn't help that "...some nameless anxiety colors the emotional charges between me and the place that I came from." (from Joan Didion's On Going Home)

Will catch up more later but here's Samon now:

 Cannot believe he has gotten so big! When I left New York I used to be able to hold him in my arms

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