Sunday, November 3, 2013


It's easy for me to think about how others wrong me. And mostly, or maybe just sometimes, my concerns are valid. Tonight I was talking to a friend and in retrospect when I recalled some of the things I said, I was embarrassed. Not to say that anything I said was horrible. It'd be acceptable by many people's standards. But I always hope that people treat me gently and I want to be the kind of woman who treats people gently too.

Often when I speak words that later in retrospect embarrass me, it's coming from an insecure place. I am saying such and such about so and so and it says more about me than it says about them.

Some weeks ago I was in church and the pastor talked about stealing and how we usually think of it in the sense of stealing money or something that belongs to someone else. He posed this question to the congregation: "But what about stealing someone's reputation?" If I wasn't paying attention, I started to pay attention then.

I want to love people in the way I hope to be loved. And even if people disappoint me, I still want to love them gently. Anything less doesn't seem worthy of the beauty every face brings.

Saturday, March 23, 2013


here is melanie sleeping on my couch. today i'm 25!! looking back over the last year, i have learned so much and i've grown for the better in different ways, like how i approach my mental health, my spirituality, my creativity...overall i'm more compassionate. its easier to only think about the ways i disappoint myself but i've done well in the last year creating the life i want. looking forward to this next year!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

back home

Back in New York for a week already. Will be here a month. It is already hard. Have considered heading back to Iowa--since I created in my apartment what felt like a safe space--a week or so earlier but (a.) plane ticket is nonrefundable and (b.) already bought unlimited metrocard.

Amongst other worries and obsessions, I'm worried and obsessed about gaining weight since I don't have a scale in Brooklyn or a gym membership. Back in Iowa I was working with a therapist and a dietitian on my disordered thinking (my therapist was considering whether I have/had binge eating disorder but its the toughest eating disorder to diagnose, so we don't exactly know but she suggested I continue with therapy next semester) and the eating habits I have, so being here is an opportunity to challenge myself and implement everything I've learned. But it is HARD and I'm already feeling defeated. It also doesn't help that "...some nameless anxiety colors the emotional charges between me and the place that I came from." (from Joan Didion's On Going Home)

Will catch up more later but here's Samon now:

 Cannot believe he has gotten so big! When I left New York I used to be able to hold him in my arms

Saturday, November 3, 2012

four things.

 i've been happy here. it was only this week i had a moment where i felt lonely (i'm sure there were other moments where i felt lonely but this one wasn't like the other ones because it wasn't fleeting but i feel better now)
its amazing how little things have helped to build my happiness here. in other words, i think a large part of my transition in iowa city is doing little things to make me happy. here are three things that made me happy this week:

1. i try to buy flowers to begin every month. they help light up my life so they're totally worth the $1.50 each

2. went to see about a bottle of jam in the grocery story and found ginger butter--the two ingredients are ginger and sugar, haha--on sale! it's amazing and i do love ginger

3. my little pumpkins, my autumn decorations, make me so happy. the best $2 i've spent in a long time!

the fourth thing is an email from the kid i used to babysit. it is precious! and she's only ten, i never can believe how intelligent she is:

Dear Alexia,
I got your letter and I am glad you are enjoying your expirience in Iwoa. Your house seems cozy and perfect for you! I loved the cactuses, just like the ones we got together for mother's day! I miss you terribly, but I'm shaping a new life as well. I made many new friends, and I'm sure I'm yet to meet more. I've gotten used to the new routines and I love most of my new teachers. My elective subjects are ceramics and creative writing. In ceramics, I'm making a pig with little, red rainboots. My creative writing teacher is boring and not creative at all. I feel like she's very monotone and only now I realize that you were right last year when you told me, for writing you either get a really good teacher, or a really bad one. I am very lucky because I made it onto the volleyball team, as well as the cheerleading team. Some people didn't get into any thing!

There is a hurricane here, if you haven't heard about it. Lower Manhattan (you taught me how to spell that) doesn't have power or water. I'm at a friends house so I have power but we just got here, and we're leaving soon.

Samson is the cutest thing I've ever seen!I wish you luck with your new routines and I want you to know things aren't the same without you. I wish you came back, and I'm really happy for you.
P.S.: In school we read Peter Pan by JM Barrie and it's suprisingly more complex than you would think. Even adults can enjoy it. I'm writing my own prequel to it, so I could send it to you if you want.

Friday, November 2, 2012

my living space

This summer when we got Samson I was so very vain about him and shamelessly so. I anticipated compliments on his behalf and I found much joy in arranging situations where my friends and family could gaze at him in admiration.

haha, I'm doing it again

Several times I asked myself, "Am I really vain about a dog?!!!!"

I mention Samson because the shameless vanity I still feel about him is comparable to how I feel about my apartment. Hahaha, I thought about colors and inspirations months in advance. I was CRAZY! I would literally lay in my bed at night playing interior designer before I moved to Iowa. 

Here are some images I found on the web that inspired me

love colors :)

 love the green curtains!

love this yellow

love the wood and color

 love simple dining set

love detail over bed! 

This photo was probably the most inspiring. I adore the yellow couch and I love how mismatched the art frames are

THIS IS EXACTLY what I want!

I found myself drawn to color, especially orange and yellow because imp they are happy colors,  reminding me of things I love: sunshine, mangoes, sunflowers. I also found myself drawn to blues and greens because they feel fertile and renewing to me. Blues and greens conjured up images of the sea and trees, which I love for their beauty and serenity. So I decided to go with blue and green for my dining area and yellow and orange for my living room area

I loved the mismatched yet organized feel of the apartments I used for inspiration, especially when it came to texture and color and even furniture. But most of all I was inspired to really make my apartment my own. I just love how the personality of someone can shine through their living space

here's my living space, starting with my pets


       Love that mermaid painting! Got it in a thrift store for $10

Mismatched dining chairs = love

One of my classmates was telling other classmates that my apartment looks like an Anthropologie ad! Haha, hilarious

p.s. next time I will show my office area